Dear Mrs. Claus,
I bet you are a little shocked to be receiving this letter. After all, nobody really acknowledges the real reason Christmas has survived all these years. What? Don't act so shocked. We all know you get that fat fuck out of bed on Christmas Eve, program his GPS, pack his lunch, arrange the gifts in alphabetical order according to country, and instruct those reindeer to keep his happy ass on track.
Don't think for a minute we believe he works tirelessly year round with his happy little do gooder elves making toys for good girls and boys. We all know who runs that ship. After all, is there any man that has that much initiative? We are certain you've had to drag his ass out of the Christmas Town Tavern a time or two or tell him to stop playing XBOX and get down to the toy shop and get to work.
And what about all those meals??? My God woman, how MUCH food do you cook each day to help him keep his girlish figure??? You would think by now after fulfilling everyone else's wishes he would of hired you a personal chef by now.
I can certainly see why you didn't have children. I mean who really wants to get up in the middle of the night with a baby when you lay next to one each and every night?? The man is just an over grown child in a red suit who likes to watch silly reindeer games.
Also, I'm all about adoption but did you have to go and rescue the entire elf community??? Those guys are a bit creepy for my taste. I am certain they follow in jolly old St. Nick's foot steps and don't help you one bit around the house. They are too busy making toys and becoming dentists.
Can I ask what the attraction was? Was it his ginger beard? I'm all about a cute red head but really??? It certainly wasn't about the money. Was it because he could talk to animals? If that was the case, maybe you should of looked up Dr. Dolittle. That dude brings home the bank!
Regardless, I do want to thank you for all your hard work. I hope each year on Christmas Day your adoring husband brings you something special. Without you millions of children would not tell their Christmas wishes to Santa impostors or behave properly because of a magical elf on a shelf. Because of you millions of trees are decorated and the Christmas Spirit is kept alive. After all, behind every great man, is one hell of a woman!