You know that moment when you walk into your baby’s room and the smell of shit hits you and you think to yourself, “Yeah, this can’t be good”? I had one of those moments about 2am this morning. My son woke me up screaming bloody murder. At 4 months old, he has been sleeping through the night for about a month and a half now so when he’s screaming in the wee hours of the night, something’s wrong. I lifted him out of his crib, placed him on the changing table, unzipped his giraffe footy pajamas, opened the diaper, and oh holy hell, what the fuck died in you?! Poop coming out the sides, from the top of his crack to his belly button, thick, chunky, and green like guacamole. If I knew any better, I would have thought he was at an all night Mexican buffet. Suddenly it hits me, I have seen way too much poop in my life for this to affect me but somehow it does.
Human poop and animal poop are way two different things. I have been in the veterinary business for twenty one years. I have seen the grossest of gross fecal matter. I have accidently touched it, worn it, and stepped in it. I’ve handled dog poop, puppy poop, cat poop, rabbit poop, ferret poop, bird poop, and even tiger poop. But human baby poop…..there is nothing in the world like it. Where in the world does it all come from?? I mean seriously, they eat the same thing every day.
In the hospital they educate you on Meconium. The very first fecal matter your child produces. Once your child starts breast feeding, you should expect yellow, seedy stools. If you use formula you should expect brown and sometimes greenish stool because of the iron added to infant formula. My son has gone through all three of these phases. We recently introduced cereal and some fruit to his diet and it’s like a nuclear bomb has gone off in his pants! I’ve witnessed actual soft turds that resemble Play-Dough to those that look like gummy worms coming out of him! My partner and I joke that these are the “Seven Wipers”. If we can get in and out of his diaper in seven wipes, we are golden!
And can you riddle me this Batman? Why do we talk about it every day as new parents? “Honey, did Bubba Joe poop today? What did it look like?”, “Babe, you should have seen the five wiper today!” “Bubba Joe, tell daddy about your poopy pants mommy cleaned today.” Have we honestly lost all contact with the human outside world or is poop really that interesting? 50 Shades of Grey? Sweetheart, my son’s 50 Shades of Shit has you beat pants down! ~TJ
Human poop and animal poop are way two different things. I have been in the veterinary business for twenty one years. I have seen the grossest of gross fecal matter. I have accidently touched it, worn it, and stepped in it. I’ve handled dog poop, puppy poop, cat poop, rabbit poop, ferret poop, bird poop, and even tiger poop. But human baby poop…..there is nothing in the world like it. Where in the world does it all come from?? I mean seriously, they eat the same thing every day.
In the hospital they educate you on Meconium. The very first fecal matter your child produces. Once your child starts breast feeding, you should expect yellow, seedy stools. If you use formula you should expect brown and sometimes greenish stool because of the iron added to infant formula. My son has gone through all three of these phases. We recently introduced cereal and some fruit to his diet and it’s like a nuclear bomb has gone off in his pants! I’ve witnessed actual soft turds that resemble Play-Dough to those that look like gummy worms coming out of him! My partner and I joke that these are the “Seven Wipers”. If we can get in and out of his diaper in seven wipes, we are golden!
And can you riddle me this Batman? Why do we talk about it every day as new parents? “Honey, did Bubba Joe poop today? What did it look like?”, “Babe, you should have seen the five wiper today!” “Bubba Joe, tell daddy about your poopy pants mommy cleaned today.” Have we honestly lost all contact with the human outside world or is poop really that interesting? 50 Shades of Grey? Sweetheart, my son’s 50 Shades of Shit has you beat pants down! ~TJ
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