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So you had a c-section and feel you missed out on the experience of a natural (with or without drugs... is there really a difference?) delivery. I'm here to tell you that unless you enjoy severe cramping, vomiting, needles stuck in your back, the feeling like you have to take a shit for 28 hours straight and holding it in because you are afraid you will shit yourself with every contraction, your spine being ripped out, and your vag on fire, skip the super hero act. You are just as much of a mother as I am.

Don't let people fool you. An epidural does not numb you or take away the pain. There is no such thing as sleeping through delivery. If someone has told you that, they are a fucking liar. Not to mention the epidural you begged for and then waited for may indeed fail and you will have a very natural pain relief free birth. 

That is my story in a nutshell. Add the fact that we got stuck in a Tsunami of a storm, my water broke in a foyer of a Buffalo Wild Wings, my baby was 4 weeks early, my epidural failed after being stuck in the spine 5 times, my OB was on vacation, so I ended up with a pregnant, Sister Mary Margaret of an OB resident as one of my doctors, and an OB from the Grateful Dead days that used words like "Love Making" during my post delivery exam. Needless to say my birthing experience was not textbook nor fantastic in anyway shape or form.

If I had to hear this crazy bitch OB resident tell me one more time that I was this baby's mother and only I could push him out into this world I was going to lose my mind. Seriously, lady, no shit! Are you planning to get up all in my body and push him out for me? She used words like "The burning ring of fire" when referring to my vagina being tore open. Burning ring of fire??? How would you know?? As I laid there looking at her pregnant belly, I silently wished upon her horror. Her first baby is due in December.

Finally, let's not forget the two med students invited to partake in my scream fest and watch me shit myself with every push. Good times! Then since I am clearly not made for childbirth, my son was suctioned out and was given a wonderful lacerated cone head, his umbilical cords ruptured and we both started bleeding out while Sister Mary Margaret quietly yells " I need a clamp!"

But the end result was my beautiful son and a very supportive partner that stayed with me every step of the way and did not kill anyone during the whole ordeal. ~TJ


 


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    T.J. is a 40 year old, first time, new mommy. She lives with her long time boyfriend and baby daddy in a suburb of Chicago. Her blog will feature the funny side of being a first time mom.

    Chi-Town Mommy Mayhem
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